Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
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