The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
