I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
