I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Randomize
