I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
i'm at sigma nu and gary is here. what do it do?
Stay away from his face.
so i go for his dick?
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Randomize
