that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Totally using formspring as an incognito way of making sure that girl from last night wasn't jailbait.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
