so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Randomize
