Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
I think my nap took me to another dimension
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
