Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
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She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
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Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
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