Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
