I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
