Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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