Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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