she was so not down for the gang bang
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
