ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
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