woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
