I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
