I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
