PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Randomize
