I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
Randomize
