i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
