I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Randomize
