I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize
