the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
