Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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