i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize