He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
