Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
