I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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