70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
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