I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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