i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
