god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
