Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Randomize
