After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
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It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
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Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
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