The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
