On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
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Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
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Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
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