this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
