You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
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