Three words: puerto rican gang bang
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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