I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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