im holly from the hills drunk
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
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