I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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