you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
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How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
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It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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