I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
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