There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
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