I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Randomize
