i'm signing you up for texting rehab
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
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I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
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I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?