Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
