Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Randomize
