he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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