you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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