I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
