i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
