I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
