its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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