No awkward lesbian experiences without me
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
I think I sprained my soul last night
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
