awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
